This article is the first in a series exploring the obstacles and accesses to deep and meaningful connection in our human relationships.

“Let go of who everyone is supposed to be and you shall see who they truly are. Let people be who they are truly are and they shall reach their greatest potential.” – Julia Seales

Introduction

Bill is an up and coming professional in a rapidly growing business. His intelligence, education, and work ethic being top notch he has received multiple promotions over the five years with his firm and currently serves as a team leader within a capability he helped create. Bill’s problem-solving abilities and knowledge of the technical and strategic basis of the business are well-regarded throughout the firm. Still, despite all his efforts to fit in and flex to his perception of the ultra-nice corporate culture Bill consistently receives feedback from colleagues that his communication is too harsh, he is unfriendly, and needs to do more to “bring others along.” In the face of this, Bill is becoming increasingly discouraged not only because of the potential threat to his career prospects, but also because this feedback leaves him feeling increasingly misunderstood, confused, and isolated.

Pat is a committed mother of two, director-level leader in her organization, and leader within the multiple non-profits she volunteers with in her community. Pat internally beams with satisfaction every time someone says to her “I don’t know how you do it!”. “Another happy customer” she often finds one voice in her head saying as she yet again delivers for a person in her life at work or at home. Whether it is a critical last minute presentation request to secure funding from the board, a lunchtime request to provide edits on an article for a team member, or pausing her yoga video in the first 2 minutes (again) to fetch an apple sauce packet for her 7-year-old there is no request to which Pat won’t smile and say “Absolutely!”. Everyone knows when you need help, Pat is your gal. She’s got it all together and can take on the weight of the world without need of anyone. Then there’s the other voice in Pat’s head, the one that says “If you only knew…”

Among our greatest human needs is the experience of human connection. Within our family, friend groups, community, and professional circles the strength or weakness of our connections is the key ingredient to both our well-being and our outcomes. I would assert that both Bill and Pat’s struggles are at least partly rooted in an unfilled need for connection. Theirs are certainly not the only examples, and they are a good place to start the conversation. In our pursuit of meaningful connections, two elements stand out as essential: authenticity and vulnerability.

Authenticity: The Foundation of Genuine Connections

Authenticity involves being genuine, honest, and true to oneself, even when faced with societal expectations or pressures. Authenticity is the internal basis of genuine connection. It is the conscious act of intentional reflection and choice of who we want to be, and the full embracing and acceptance of that chosen self as who we are.

When we embrace our authentic self, we create a space for others to do the same. Authenticity fosters trust and understanding, forming the bedrock of strong, lasting connections. You may identify on some level with either Bill or Pat. Maybe you don’t, but their examples speak instead to some different place inside you. Thinking of their situations and your own:

• What underlying unmet needs might they or you be experiencing given the current state? If you don’t know, what’s your opinion? It’s not a test, so no worries whether the answers are “right”.
• What might change if those needs were owned or even met? What positive consequences might come to be? What negative consequences?
• What could be let go of to make them or you capable of owning and embracing those needs?
• Think of one of your very favorite people, really envision them in your mind with all their lovely qualities. Imagine that this lovely person has an unmet need they hesitate to own. Imagine it causes them suffering and holds them back from the life they want to have. Hold that fully in your heart and ask “What would I want for them?” What if you loved yourself just as much?

In a world full of curated social media profiles and carefully crafted professional and personal personas, being authentic and fully embracing one’s self can be a revolutionary act. It might feel scary, exhilarating, dangerous, or even all of the emotions at once to contemplate stepping out of the trap of “being seen as” and into full ownership of self. I get it. And what if it’s worth it?

The Importance of Vulnerability

Vulnerability is often misconstrued as a show of weakness, and I believe it is precisely the opposite. There is no greater show of inner strength and integrity than to make one’s self vulnerable.  Brene Brown, a renowned researcher on vulnerability, defines it as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. I tend to imagine a castle and its surrounding town when contemplating the concept of vulnerability. The lord of the castle can reduce their vulnerability to attack by building high thick walls with battlements guarded by archers and spearman. They may even close the gates permanently to prevent any risk of outside forces doing harm within their space. They might even decorate the outsides of the walls with gargoyles, spikes, and richly colored flags to communicate their impenetrability to the outside world. They and their subjects will be completely “safe”. But what of commerce and trade? How will their businesses ever grow and thrive with no outside interaction? What of learning and art? Won’t the townspeople only ever know what they already know within the walls of their city? What of community and support through catastrophe? This perceived “safety” comes at a very high cost, and are the people truly “safe” under these conditions?

Like the lord of the castle, we too build our walls and battlements and sometimes dress them in luscious tapestry to prevent the world finding our tender places. What if, instead, we were to open our gates? What if we placed great picture windows by which the sun and beauty of the surrounding countryside could shine in? What if we extended access to our authentic selves first? Would we come across the occasional bandit or scallywag? Of course we would. Would we occasionally be completely betrayed? Probably. Would these bad outcomes happen more frequently than they would if we lived as though in a kingdom under siege? I can’t seem to convince myself they would, and I tend to believe they would actually occur less frequently.

As I understand and have experienced it, the greatest way to gain trust is to extend it. We see it in our lives and in our shared mythology if we only peer closely enough with our heart’s eye. I think of Dumbledore as an example in the Harry Potter stories. The most powerful and respected wizard in the world, yet he is fully himself with only the minimum ceremony required of his position throughout the saga. How is that? Is he finally able to let loose because he has become “Dumbledore”, or did he rise to the level of impact and power of being “Dumbledore” because of the space he created in consistently owning responsibility for the integrous relationship between his chosen self and how he shows up in the world?

My research and first-hand experience tells me it’s the latter. Not a single CEO, senior leader, successful entrepreneur, or joyful peaceful person I’ve spoken with has told me “I achieved what I wanted and THEN opened up my authentic chosen self to the world and then was fulfilled.” NO! Quite the opposite! Explicitly and implicitly, I have heard from them all that they got authentic and owned and loved who they wanted to be, opened up the gates and windows to expose that love and talent to the world and over time the people and opportunities that aligned with their chosen states of being came along and created the success they now experience. Yeah, I know, that sounds super hippy dippy and I promise you this isn’t “The Secret”. I am not selling you that you can “Materialize what you imagine”. I can’t prove you can’t, and I don’t buy into mysticism. There’s just too much I don’t know about mysticism to even begin to try and share opinions on it. I do, though, love logic and I think my claims about the inherent value in doing the work to get to internal authenticity, taking the risk to live vulnerably in that authentic state with others, and the results that come with this revolutionary way of being payoff in priceless dividends. It’s the difference between a life well lived and a birth to a death. Vulnerability is flinging open the castle gates with wise captains filtering out mutterings which might occur when the monarch is drunk, posting guards with loose instructions upon which to use their liberal judgment and saying “Let’s play!” and seeing what happens moment to moment.

 “But where’s the magic? Why does it work?” you might be asking me right now, patient reader. And that’s the thing. It may well be that the dance between authenticity and vulnerability is the magic that creates the space for deep human connection to arise. When we choose to authentically own, love, and vulnerably share our full chosen selves, we create a space of safety and openness which invites others to do the same. When we suspend negative judgment against ourselves and free ourselves from our “shoulds” and pretenses, we say to others through our very being “You’re safe here, you are safe with me.” In this space, two real humans can form a real connection regardless of any other differences because of their shared foundation of being.

Practical Steps to Cultivate Authentic Connections

1. Self-Reflection: Take time to understand your values, beliefs, and emotions. Knowing oneself is the first step toward authenticity. You are free to choose, who do you choose to be? What aspects of who you’ve been will you choose to not carry forward with you?
2. Honest Communication: Always tell the truth with kindness and compassion, and if you can’t do that at least don’t lie. In generously sharing what we believe to be true and being open to hearing and considering the same from others, we create opportunities to learn, grow, and form deep authentic connections. This is not to say all thoughts which cross your mind should be shared. Consider these 3 questions as a simple filter: “Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?” If the answer to all 3 is not a clear “yes” it’s likely not worth saying out loud.
3. Embrace Imperfection: We are works in progress. Mentally, spiritually, physically, academically, we are growing and learning each present moment. Our imperfections, our opportunities for learning and growth are where the most fun can be had if we will only have the courage to own them and share them. No one, and nothing is ever perfect. Create freedom from perfection for yourself and those around you and bask in the peace and joy that freedom has to offer.
4. Active Listening: The only active listening trick I’ve ever found that really works is to actually listen. Seek deeply to understand what your conversation partner(s) is trying to share and try on their experience of it rather than waiting for your chance to talk. Deep listening is truly one of the most generous gifts we can give another, and you might be surprised by how much you will learn.
5. Get it Wrong and Clean it Up: You are going to be practicing new things. You are going to get it wrong at some point! Something is going to be awkward, misconstrued, misheard, misstated, or just an all around trainwreck. When that happens it’s great, I promise! Apologize, own that you are practicing and things didn’t turn out as you intended, try again and move on.

I would so love your feedback. Both words of praise and constructive feedback feed my creator soul!

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